The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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