Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
