Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
