I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
