Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
