1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
