question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
