Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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