Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Sorry my hands just texted you
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
