you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
