I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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