dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
