woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
