I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
