I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
