Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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