I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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