So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
