put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
