i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
