she smelled like a LAN party
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
