I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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