I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
