I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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