thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
