Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
