I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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