can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
