I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
