it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
