Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
