please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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