Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
