Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
