I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
