I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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