If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
