i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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