its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
