you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
