Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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