we made out on top of his cat.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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