does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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