It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Vodka?
Forever.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
