I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
