I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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