Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
