tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
