I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
