Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
