We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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