I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
