Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
