so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
